Questioning Self Part 2: Self-Denial

I think one main thing that is helping slowly ease me out of my current funk is my refusal to deny myself any longer. What I mean by this is that for a very long time, the entirety of the time I have been depressed, is that I have spent a long time denying the things that I find to be quintessential to my sense of self. Denying these things has atrophied a part of my soul.

But it is a part that I feel rebuilding itself.

My depression stemmed from many sources. More, in fact, than I am sure that I am truly aware of. A loss of control of my own life, mindlessly (and heartlessly) drifting from one activity to the next. All the evil and chaos and injustice unleashed on the world by governments that, at most all levels, seem to be bent on taking absolute control of each and every facet of their citizens' lives. It is too easy to feel that one has lost control in the midst of this chaos.

No more.

It was like I was denyig myself the opportunity to have this control. Like I somehow felt that I was less than human for allowing these things to keep me feeling this way. But perhaps my feeling this is proof of my humanity. I will not allow myself to be held down by these restraints that are imposed on me ultimately by nobody other than myself.

My life is mine to control as I see fit. I will live it according to my will and the will of God, and no one else.

I have taken a long time and put a lot of thought into this. I have documented those flaws in myself that I feel need to be changed. I will change those that I can. I will embrace thost that I cannot.

It was my perception of these flaws and this lack of control that held me back from happiness, something that I thought long ago would be forever denied to me. To be such a wreck, useless to myself and those around me, what right do I have to happiness? But over time, I came to "understand" that this lack of happiness was to be my destiny, and in a wierd way, found contentment in that fact. I found an almost twisted sort of satisfaction in that. But then I realized that this too was a complete nonsense. More illusory restraints strapped to me by a damaged psyche.

I can be happy, and by God, I will be happy! I will reclaim that last missing part of myself and become the person that I was always meant to be. I will tear down that last barrier, the dam holding back that last part of my soul I felt to have been long buried and lost to myself: my art. The expressive essence that allows me to pour out my true soul to the rest of the world. I gave up drawing for a long time. I felt to depressed to draw... or perhaps I was depressed because I did not draw? I does not matter which it was, the end effect was the same: more depression, more loss of control, more self-loathing.

No more.

If you live in Georgia, try and keep your ear to the ground for news of an up-and coming comic book penciler. And more particularly if you live in Laurens County, pay closer attention. Who knows, a certain someone might be running for a County Commissioner seat very soon...? At very least there might be a few rumblings on the political horizion...