Hitting On Old Chords: Pondering My Redescent Into Depression and Self-Perceived Flaws and Ideas For Cures

Things were really compounded yesterday. My average has dropped from 3.07 down to 2.87 and I have subsequently lost my "Good Student" discount for my car insurance, causing an approximate $40 per month increase.

Another brick in the wall, and another one against my head. For the last few weeks I've been unable to focus. My mind is constantly wandering. I can't really seem to get anything done. I can't relax. It feels like the walls are closing in sometimes. And the only thing really worse than all that: sometimes I genuinely DO NOT CARE! I never, even at my worst, was genuinely apathetic. But its hit that point: most of the times I don't really care about others or even myself. Sure, I don't think my friends are catching on that much because I usually feign it so well.

I can't even get distracted from the sinking feeling at all. Hanging out with my friends doesn't help. Drinking doesn't really do anything but dull my reflexes and I don't get any genuine sort of pleasure from it at all. I don't think I'm even going to drink on social occassions anymore. The drinking most certainly hasn't helped my climb out of the abyss of depression.

But why is it that I'm feeling this way? I think it really is that the handful of self-perceived flaws are holding me back from becoming that better person that I want to be. They hold me back from accomplshing the things that I want to do. But what are those flaws?

My apathy. It seems kind of circular, but my apathy seems to be fueled by this new level of depression which is itself only further aided by the aforementioned apathy.

My decline of discipline and routine. I used to lead a very regimented life, scheduled to get in the things I had to and a few things I wanted to with enough spare time to hang out and relax otherwise. I made myself study. I made myself work out. I made myself practice drawing. Now it seems the only thing I make myself do is wake up in the mornings, and some days that becomes a rather questionable persuit.

But what can I do about these things? It seems so hard to overcome sometimes, because when I ask for help from my family, I get ignored and my ideas pushed off completely; their apathy pushing my apathy further along. It would certainly be easier if I could move out and get away. Alas, I am not financially well-off enough to move out on my own at the moment. I guess I'm going to have to try and sit everyone down and talk to them. Throw it all out on the table, let the chips fall where they may, and shed whatever tears may arise. I mean, it really is not an environment conducive to positive attitudes and behaviors, and mine being the only apparent desire to change it ultimately seems to only continue farther down a vicious spiral of apathy and negativity. If they won't help me, I'll have to change the environment on my own, because if things are going to change, I am going to need a relatively stable and constant area to study and draw. And they are going to recognize that when I need to study and I say "tell them I'm not there" when someone calls on the phone that I probably do not want / need to be disturbed and that maybe they shouldn't shove the phone up to my ear or wake me up if I'm asleep.

Sorry, I had to vent again. I'm sure that this didn't do anything for you, but it was a much needed and clarifying experience for me. Thanks for the ear. I promise my next post will be a lot more informative than this one.